Did Trudeau use an F-bomb in Parliament? Who effing cares?

When Justin Trudeau stubs his toe, what does he scream out?

My guess is it’s not “fudge,” “enchanted daffodil” or “fuddle-duddle.” No, our prime minister is human. And in pain or frustration, humans are hard-wired to use language you would not expect to hear at Sunday service while your pastor is contextualizing Deuteronomy.

Now, I have no clue if Trudeau did or did not drop the F-bomb in Parliament this week because it was not caught on camera. This is odd because we have footage of Liberal MPs urinating on camera. But conservatives allege Trudeau swore during a heated exchange on the “Freedom Convoy.”

So they are now prosecuting in the court of public opinion. But in this case of “PM Fancy Socks Has a Potty Mouth,” conservatives are not exactly star witnesses. Opposition House leader John Brassard cryptically told reporters Trudeau used a “six-letter reference followed by another word.”

Mellow yellow? Mr. Brassard, is this a legitimate condemnation of unparliamentary language or a partisan game of Wordle? What did Mr. Trudeau say and does it rhyme with smother pucker?

When my daughters were little, there was a night when I’m pretty sure Talking Elmo told me to do something anatomically impossible. I heard it with my own ears! But when I sought confirmation, my wife was like, “Huh? elmo said ticklish! You need to get some sleep.”

There can be no shut-eye in a country where the scandals are so stupid.

I try to avoid Question Period for the same reason I refuse to watch kindergartners in a food fight. The House of Commons might as well be a Waffle House with an open bar. A grandstanding politician stands and asks a pointed question and then his or her party applauds like trained seals as opponents scowl and hiss. Yay! Boo! And it is! Do not! It’s so dysfunctional.

God help this country if we are ever invaded like poor Ukraine. Our leaders would point fingers and schedule overheated debates in bomb shelters as the occupying army conquers city after city using nothing more than feather dusters. If our politicians were forced to work together to build something from Ikea, that bipartisan Billy Bookcase would look like a scarecrow because they’d all be too busy sabotaging the pictograms for political gain.

Do you care if Trudeau used a bad word? I do not. I care about his ethics scandals, yes. I care about an economic trajectory that is flirting with Third World bull’s-eyes. I care about his disingenuous virtue-signaling on social media. But if Trudeau sounded like an extra on a “Deadwood” reboot this week, that might be his first unguarded and honest moment in office.

Why is cussing still a cultural taboo? We all do it. Yes, time and place are crucial. When I get out of an Uber, I should not tell the driver, “Thanks for the ride, you piece of s—!”

That would be uncalled for. But with all the real problems — war, disease, inflation, supply chain snafus, food insecurity, energy uncertainty, climate, natural disasters, Madison Cawthorn — why do we give a flying f— about profanity in 2022? It makes no sense.

Especially when recent studies have found cussing is beneficial.

As a CNN headline put it: “Why Swearing Is a Sign of Intelligence, Helps Manage Pain and More.” The New York Times: “The Case for Cursing.” Or National Geographic: “Science Says Swearing Is Good For You.”

I believe that science. I was trying to replace a ripped vacuum hose on Thursday and the release switch on the damaged one was jammed. About five minutes into this ordeal, if anyone recorded the shocking words flying out of my mouth as I yanked upward on this accordion dirt sucker, well, there’d be no column today as I’d be in HR.

Did you call for effing Mr. Dyson to have his effing innards vacuumed by the trunk of an HIV-positive effing elephant? This is not Star policy.

Saying horrible things is a valuable coping mechanism when everything goes sideways. When you get cut off in traffic, you don’t lovingly hum “Kumbaya” and blow air-kisses.

In the last few weeks, I’ve heard “shit” or “bullshit” on cable news more than I’ve heard this century. That once linguistic red line is now grey. And you know what? Nobody cares. If this is how grown-ups talk in private, pretending otherwise publicly, that’s the real profanity.

Conservatives are feigning outrage about what Trudeau did or did not say. Meanwhile, in Ukraine, there is a rallying cry commemorated by a postage stamp inspired by what a brave soldier on Snake Island said when surrender was demanded by the Kremlin invaders: “Russian warship, go f— yourself.”

The world cheered. It did not call for his mouth to be washed with soap.

There is a time when swearing moves from needlessly vulgar to wholly mandatory, and that was one of those times. I have now heard countless Ukrainian officials and soldiers say some version of Russia can go eff itself. I stand with them. Vladimir Putin can go eff himself. He is human garbage.

And that’s the point today. Bad language is a release valve when the world is out of control. If Trudeau — and I’m no fan — had it up to here after MAGA wannabes in Canadian politics pushed conspiracy theories about surveillance on the trucker convoy, then I defended his right to trash talk his opponents of him.

Let them have it, Prime Minister. Use words that would scare HBO.

The battle between right and wrong has reached a global zenith.

No sense in being polite about it.


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